Those that have not suffered this sense of loss will not understand this, but the birthday of a lost child is just as special as the birthday of our other children, the ones that are here with us every day, the ones we get to organise parties for and take out for their birthdays. Just as our other children, a lot of planning goes into the birthday. Granted, there are big differences with the preparations, and celebrations but still, it's your child's birthday. Instead of looking for presents for our little girl to play with on her 1st birthday, we were searching for nice things to display in her garden, things that symbolise our love for our angel in heaven. There were many visitors to Mia's Garden, all bringing different gifts, all beautiful in their own way, each one a reflection of the bearers thoughts of Mia. There were flowers, teddys, ornaments, hand crafted wooden keepsakes, balloons, poems, all very personal of their feelings to Mia. Mia's birthday was a really beautiful day. Little Miss Sunshine had done her job, the hottest week of the year was delivered for the birthday celebrations, she knew that we wanted to have a picnic with her. So after visiting Mia in the morning to give her all the presents, just as we do with Kyran, he gets his presents first thing in the morning, we visited again at lunchtime to have our picnic with the birthday girl. A happy day with lots of happy thoughts drew peacefully to a close. We never knew that the birthday of a beautiful baby girl, now an angel could be so beautiful.
The following day, Mia's anniversary, was quite different. The mood had changed significantly, there was an air of inevitability around the place. We had planned a balloon release at 14:55, which symbolised the end of Mia's short 31 hours and 21 minutes with us. The sad thing about the anniversary day was that it was like a countdown, counting down to the moment that no one wanted to arrive. We released the balloons and 12 months of emotion came flooding out, it was almost as though the clocks had been turned back a year, the feelings were so raw.
Another significant day passed on the 18th of the month, which was when we buried our princess. Although I tried not to think about it too much, grief had other ideas for me. Leading up to lunchtime, all I could think of was carrying Mia's small white coffin into the cemetery chapel, no matter how hard I tried to block it out of my mind the visions were still there. Then, at 12pm, the time of Mia's service, Rule the World by Take That came on the radio. Now this isn't one of Mia's songs, but still it is one of those that remind us of her. Some of the words just fit perfectly for Mia "You light, the skies, up above me, a star, so bright, you blind me", after all she is the brightest star in the sky. And "Don't close your eyes, don't fade away, don't fade away" symbolises the hope for a miracle that we felt while she was with us. Sat in my office that day, I believe that song was a message from Mia.
June was also a significant month where we decided that the time was right to start giving something back. The idea of fund raising was born the month before but it really progressed in June. We visited the Liverpool Women's Hospital to meet with the charitable fund raiser there and made a commitment to support the neonatal unit in the future. We also have a meeting planned with the CEO of the hospital at the beginning of July. It's this second meeting, with Kathy Thompson, the CEO of the hospital that makes us want to help the hospital even more. Kathy doesn't need to meet us, she is a very busy lady doing great work for an amazing hospital, but she is making time in her busy schedule to meet with us. This only strengthens a statement I made to Lisa, the charitable fund raiser, that " The Liverpool Women's Hospital is like going private, but on the NHS ". The extra mile that all the staff go is a credit to the hospital.
Fund raising was always an idea, but in June I was inspired. I was inspired to do this properly. If I'm making a commitment to the hospital, then I want to make it official. I'm currently organising a logo, a website and I'm going to meet someone next week for advice in setting up a non profit organisation to handle the fund raising. It is the person that I am meeting next week that has been the inspiration behind making sure this mission is done properly, his name is David Pope. He set up an organisation in memory of his granddaughter and has just completed an amazing challenge and raised over £3500 for his organisations chosen charities. 9 months ago, David decided to enter the Deloitte Ride Across Britain, and committed to cycle from John O Groats to Lands End, despite not being a regular cyclist. He completed this only last week, and I followed his progress daily, each day coming more admiration and inspiration. You can read his story, blogs, and activities at the below address, links to the twitter and Facebook pages are also well worth following.
It's the above account that echoes the sentiments of another regular blogger on the Internet, known as Fathers Grief. He talks about the network of people out there that are all united by the unwanted bond. These people, most of whom we have never met, or ever likely to meet provide a lot of comfort, and more importantly an understanding of the situation we are in, after all, those that have not lived through baby loss can never understand just how difficult it really is. You can read all of Fathers Grief's posts, inspired by Ethan at the address below, and again, the links to the twitter and Facebook feeds are worth following.
June has been a funny old month. So many emotions have been experienced once again, but I have found a new focus in my life, giving something back and helping others in similar positions. One thing I did learn in June though is that just because a year has passed, doesn't mean that the grief is any different. Unfortunately, there is no 1 year switch that turns the grief off, it's still there, as strong as ever. What is happening though, is that I'm getting stronger, and as long as that continues, I guess I can focus my energies into getting this charity ball rolling.
