Blog
2 : Things People Say
It's
common that people don't like talking about baby loss. Some people do talk
about it and somehow know the right words to say. Some people just listen,
allow me to talk and don't really say much in return, this probably helps more
than anything. There are also people who try to offer words of help but the
words just come out wrong. These are some of the things that have been said to
me that are simply the most insulting words that you could say.
"Things
happen for a reason" - If this is the case, tell me the reason. Tell me
why "God" decided to take my baby away and let scruffs and smack
heads have multiple children that they don't even care for. If you can't give
me the reason, don't say it.
"You'll be ok,
you've got Kyran" - Yes, I have got Kyran, and he is perfect but does that
mean that I'll be ok? Yes he helps me, but does that mean he makes up for the
fact that I lost Mia? I should have 2 beautiful children with me, I've only got
1.
Some people talk
about Mia, but say things like "I wonder what she'd look like now" or
"she'd be crawling/walking now". Please don't say things like that,
these are the things that are constantly on my mind, the things that are always
in my head when I sleep, the things that eat me up inside day in day out. It
really would be better if you didn't say these types of things to me.
The important
thing to remember is that if you think you're going to put your foot in it,
that you're going to upset me, or that you'll say the wrong thing, it's probably
best not to say it. But a hand on the shoulder and a genuine "How are
you?" goes a lot further than you will probably imagine. The knowledge
that you are still thinking about me is probably the most comforting thing to
hold onto at the moment.
I recognise much of what you are writing here. I am often intrigued by the extremes of behavior people display towards bereaved parents like you and I.
ReplyDeleteI have blogged before on fathersgrief about the Grief Dodgers who caused much upset in the weeks after Ethan died. One unhelpful 'friend' said "never mind, there's always next time."
Keep blogging; your posts are well written. The more people who write about infant death will hopefully break the taboo that seems to prevail in this society. Hopefully then, the subject can be discussed openly in the near future.
Thank you. I have read all of your blogs and agree with everything that you say. What was said to you though was the most insulting thing i have ever heard.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything you've written... it's such a shame that bereaved parents are met with this verbal diarrhoea. I think (like James above) that the crux of the problem is that the matter is so taboo that some people are genuinely not able to come up with coherent and intelligent words when they meet us because they have never heard of such a bereavement before. After all, it only happens to "other people".
ReplyDelete